WE ARE UNIVERSALLY AFFILIATED: UDSS SET-2000 CLASS REUNION

26th December, 2012.
11:34am

I received a bbm from Toju telling me that we had a reunion later that day. I hadn't heard anything about it so I was like "Really?! Where?!!". He didn't know the venue so he suggested I form a bbm chat group consisting of ex-UDSS students of set 2000. I was driving my mom around so I told him I would do that later, as I was busy. Apparently, he wasn't satisfied with that so he contacted Uche and before I knew what was happening, I received an invite to join a group tagged "UDSS 2000".

I've lost you, haven't I? UDSS stands for Uniben Demonstration Secondary School. It is located in the south-west end of the University of Benin Main Campus inside at Ugbowo. Can you see the light now? Of course you can. I know you've heard of us. The very acronym elicits envy. UDSS was and still is one of the best schools in the whole of Edo State and arguably, Nigeria. In us was instilled a bond so strong that we never fail to identify with each other wherever, whenever. I'm proud, extremely proud to be associated with that school. 
Aha! Lest I deviate. Fast forward the clock to 1:32pm. The membership of the group had already grown to 32 and excited conversations were already in full swing. By this time, everybody knew there was going to be an informal reunion but we didn't know where until Onome Ugolo named the venue; Metro, off Ugbor Road. Time was tagged for 4pm to ensure those who couldn't stay till late had ample time to catch up.

From then on, it was a scramble to keep to the time. I said bye to my mom and boarded the nearest bike. On the way, I ran into Odaro and Louis. Ekene was the first to get to the venue, having kept strictly to time. Very ungentlemanly of us to have kept her waiting, especially as she was the only lady who showed up, making her the "special one" in our midst. Well, we made it eventually. George and Rumsy joined us shortly. Men! Haven't seen George in seven years, Rumsy in almost eleven. As shouts of excited disbelief and hugs of comradeship passed on, more guys showed up. Isaac, Innocent, Akpobor, Teddy, Osaro, Duno, Jay Jay, Osayande, Emekus, Ambrose, Uchey (the convener), Donatus, Oduwa, Erhumwunse, Onome showed up and from then on, we were cast back to the past.

We had good laughs at some of the antics of our favorite teachers whom we perceived as enemies back then, the mischief and pranks of some of us played on each other and other fun experiences. It was a beautiful walk down memory lane. Our final member showed up much later in the evening, around 6pm having been on call all day and that day being his birthday. Ehidiamen made it against all odds.

The beauty of this year's reunion was that it started as a game and was initially clouded with uncertainty but at the end, the turn out was impressive despite the very very very short notice. Since we all left UDSS in 2000, we've scattered like dust all over Nigeria and the world so it was a great thing of joy for everyone to somehow find out we were all Benin yesterday and make frantic efforts to hook up and it was a great success.

Special shout to our members who couldn't make it for one reason or the other; and to those who have kept the fire of friendship and association burning, more grease to your elbows! Hearty congratulations to Yvonne who tied the knot yesterday, and to our mates who got married in the year 2012, especially Osagie and Carrie who are both members of Set 2000! And to the members of the crew who became moms and dads, we felicitate with y'all!

I have to agree with Uche that indeed, "WE ARE UNIVERSALLY AFFILIATED". 

NB: If I failed to include your name or a snap shot of you, I offer my most sincere apologies. It was unintentional as I only could make use of what i had.

One love!

Malcolm O. Ifi.

To learn more about University of Benin Demonstration Secondary School visit:
www.udosa.org
http://www.edofolks.com/udss/

The Thing About Christmas

Hey fellas,

Quite sorry I have not been consistent here in the past few weeks. I've been more consistent however on my other blog. I still find wordpress a lot more user friendly than blogger; mostly because I'm a person who blogs on the the go and the wordpress mobile application on blackberry is still the most convenient. I hope Blogger makes a mobile application for blackberry real soon.

So, that aside, its Christmas! This Christmas is reminiscent of the ones I had as a kid for one reason only; the weather. The harmattan came to stay this season, unlike last year when it appeared for two days and vanished. Its our own version of winter characterized by bloody cold nights and mornings, warm afternoons, very dry air and lots of dust. This is my favorite time of the year and if you sweat a lot, it'll be yours too because perspiration is reduced to the barest minimum.

What's more? I'm in the ancient City of Benin with family and friends and it has been a wild ride since Christmas kicked off unofficially on the 23rd. Lots and lots of alcohol, jokes, laughs and general happiness. The atmosphere here is charged with festivity with people putting on funny christmas hats and colourful outfits everywhere I go and on more than one occasion, I have witnessed rare acts of kindness that I wouldn't have thought possible.

Life is far from perfect in Nigeria. Living in Nigeria is like being cast into the jungle where its survival of the fittest and the richest. All year round, its an intense battle to by Nigerians to make ends meet in a harsh economic climate. You can smell the struggle, the frustration, the anger but for just a few days coinciding with the Christmas break, it miraculously changes. The populace cast away their masks of fury for a cheerful countenance. Acts of love and kindness which seemed non-existent resurface in full force. For once, there is a high level of contentment and you get to see just how happy Nigerians can be.

It has been said that Christmas historically began as a pagan celebration and somehow, got merged with Christianity; it is still a contestable fact that Jesus Christ was actually born on the 25th of December. However, if this season is the cause of so much joy the world over; a season of gratitude for life, family and loved ones; a season of cheerful giving and sharing despite having little; a season of hearty celebration and the display of rare acts of kindness and affection, a time to spread love and a time of hope - all because of whom its associated with: Jesus Christ who made the ultimate sacrifice, I only wish we had more Christmases all year round. No other festive celebration matches the joy it brings.

So to my dear readers, though its coming a tad late, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year in advance. Show some love, put a smile on somebody's face, laugh loud, love more, be kinder and gentler, appreciate life and beauty, be good and do right always, keep believing that your situation will get better, that Nigeria will get better, that the world will get better and somehow, you'll fulfill someone's heart's desires as someone, somewhere will fulfill yours!

I love you all!

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Photo Credits: The Internet

WE HAVE KING JAMES, NOW THEY HAVE QUEEN JAMES: THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF TIMES

The Queen James Version: An Insult To The Tenets Of Christianity

To my most esteemed readers, as I write this piece, I am greatly saddened and depressed at the turn of events in the world today. Things which were once sacred and respected have become subject to twisted logic and have become fodder for perverts. Talk about reading a news headline that just messed up my day; I was in a daze for more than a few minutes when I read that the homosexual populace which have gotten much bolder in recent times have made their own bible version. This version which is modeled after The King James Version is called "The Queen James Version". According to the editors, King James I, the man behind the popular Bible translation, was a bisexual "known amongst friends and courtiers as 'Queen James' because of his many gay lovers." This new version, named in his honor, aims "to prevent homophobic interpretations," with several controversial verses strategically tweaked. "We wanted to make a book filled with the word of God that nobody could use to incorrectly condemn God’s LGBT children," the editors explain.

The brazenness of this abomination is frightening, though inevitable when homosexuality was not condemned in totality when it first reared its ugly head in the church. Allegations that King James I of England who authorized a new translation of the Bible into English in 1604 which came through in 1611 was "queer" are wicked rumours peddled by perverted and confused historians desperately seeking a basis for what they know to be patently false.  
 
I will not even bother to engage in a long defense of the Holy Bible because we live in dangerous times where many people have chosen to believe whatever feels convenient as an explanation to justify their ignorant beliefs and perversions as foretold in the Holy Bible. However, every human is born with a consciousness; a consciousness that follows the order of nature which is basically the voice of God. The woman was created by God for man for companionship and procreation. If God hadn't intended it to be so, He never would have created Eve. Therefore, any attempt to give homosexuality a basis in Christianity is as lame as it is a perversion of nature and the natural order of creation. No logical explanation can ever deny this.

With the existence today of homosexual bishops, free thinkers and all sorts of persons who deny the very wonder of the supernatural force that brought the world into being, we are not far from a time when name of our Lord Jesus Christ will be brought into disrepute. In fact, it has already begun. In New Zealand, a church billboard questioning Jesus Christ's sexuality is already sparking controversy. It was reported that the church's billboard depicts the infant Jesus surrounded by a rainbow-colored halo (the symbol of LGBT), along with the ambiguous but highly incensing statement:

"It's Christmas. It's time for Jesus to come out."

A Reverend defended the church's sign as being about trying to lift the humanity of Jesus. "The fact is we don't know what his sexual orientation was. Would it make a difference if he was gay? Would that change the picture for you?" he is quoted as saying.

This follows the declaration of the first openly gay bishop of the U.S. Episcopal Church Gene Robinson who said Jesus would have approved of gay families because;

"...in a culture that virtually demanded marriage --(he) was a single guy, spent most of his time with twelve men, singled out three of them for leadership and one of them is known in the Bible as ‘the one whom Jesus loved.’"

The above statement is bereft of any logical correlation to the issue at hand. It is so amazing how persons who claim to be "men of the cloth" have suddenly forgotten about the divine nature of Jesus Christ which puts Him above human affections. It shows the depth of the understanding of the so-called homosexual bishop.

The end times are here people. We cannot deny it any longer. Inasmuch as we try to castigate homosexuals as perverts and sinners of the worst kind, God does not see it as such. All sin is sin unfortunately and "The soul that sinneth, it shall die." Ezekiel 18:20. Therefore, it behooves on us all to take stock of our lives, repent and prepare for the second coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The time is now!

For the editors of Queen James, I leave them with verse 18 and 19 from the Book of Revelations, chapter 22.

"For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, if any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book.

And if any man shall take away from the words from the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book."

Nuff said!


Malcolm O. Ifi.

Photocredit: Amazon.com

THE NEWTON MASSACRE AND OTHER STORIES

Last week seemed to have tragedy written all over it as the world was fixated on Newtown, Connecticut, USA on December 14, 2012 when it faced another tragic school shooting where an adult gunman, Adam Lanza, 20,  opened fire at the Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday morning, killing 26 people which includes 20 children and 6 adults. The death toll places the mass shooting as the second worst in U.S. history. Seung Hui Cho killed 32 people at Virginia Tech in 2007 before turning the gun on himself.

I have refrained from writing a post about the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting because I've been trying to keep up with the press releases. So far, I've been able to gather the following:

- Police have confirmed that 28 people are dead: 20 children, 6 adults in the school, 1 at a local residence and the shooter

- The gunman's mother was reportedly a kindergarten teacher at the school, and among the dead.

- Reports suggest that the guns used in the shooting belonged to the gunman, Adam Lanza's mother, Nancy, and were legally purchased.

- Adam Lanza had an “altercation” with four staff members at the Sandy Hook Elementary School the day before he killed 20 children and six adults there. It’s unclear what the altercation was about but three of the four staff members were among those killed Friday. The fourth wasn’t at the school that day and is being questioned by investigators.

- Earlier in the week, Lanza tried to buy a rifle but was rejected because the state has a waiting period.

- Adam Lanza actually had four handguns on him—not two as was initially reported. A rifle was found in the car he used to drive to the school.

- The two semiautomatic pistols identified were a Glock and a Sig Sauer along with .223-caliber Bushmaster semi-automatic rifle Lanza used in the shooting were registered to his mother, whom several witnesses identified as an avid gun collector. She apparently taught her kids how to shoot the guns.

- Adam Lanza shot his mother four times in the head before heading out to the school where he carried out a methodical massacre of 6 - 7 year old children.

- The victims, including 12 girls and eight boys, were all apparently killed by the .223 Bushmaster semi-automatic rifle, and each of the victims was hit by more than one bullet. The assault weapon can fire as many as six bullets per second, according to the New York Daily News, and some of the victims were shot as many as 11 times.

This tragic event has once again brought to the fore, the debate for stricter Gun Control Laws. The frequency with which these mass shootings occur and the constant targeting of children is a worrying trend. This is all as a result of the easy access to assault weapons. It beats my imagination why a mother will have in her possession a collection of such deadly assault weapons. It is hoped that this latest tragedy will be the fore runner for stricter control laws in the US.

In 1996, the Australian government enacted sweeping gun control measures after a gunman opened fire on tourists at a seaside resort in Port Arthur, Tasmania killing 35 people and wounding 23 more. Worthy of note is the fact that Australia has not had a similar occurrence since its stricter Gun Control Laws were enacted.

Gen. Azazi and Gov. Yakowa: Victims of Saturday's crash

It was a sad day as well in Nigeria on the 15th of December, 2012 of when a helicopter conveying top senior government officials crashed in Bayelsa State. The officials were traveling to attend the burial ceremony of the father of the one of President Goodluck Jonathan's advisers, Mr. Oronto Douglas when the crash occurred.

In its statement, the National Emergency Management Agency NEMA said all six occupants which included Governor Patrick Yakowa of Kaduna State and former National Security Adviser, Owoeye Azazi lost their lives. The other victims are Commander Muritala Mohammed Daba and Lt. Adeyemi Sowole, the pilots of the crashed helicopter; Dauda Tsoho, an aide to Governor Yakowa; Warrant Officer Mohammed Kamal, an aide to former NSA General Azazi. May their souls rest in peace.

On a brighter note, Prof Kamene Okonjo Iweala, 82, the mother of Nigeria's Coordinating Minister for the Economy and Finance Minister, Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala regained her freedom from her abductors after five days in captivity. We wish her a speedy recovery from whatever trauma she may have gone through during the painful ordeal.

We hope the President and his cabinet with this, realize the urgency of these unfortunate occurrences and sincerely intensify efforts to stamp out corruption and stabilize the economy which has progressively worsened since he assumed the mantle of leadership.

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Photo source: The Internet

NCC: A Caricature Of A Regulatory Agency

Nigeria's telecom regulatory authority, NCC, had on May 10, 2012 imposed a fine of N1.17 billion ($7.3 million) on the four operators in the country for poor quality of services after an analysis of the Key Performance Indicators on their networks for the months of March and April. The regulatory body sanctioned the operators for failing to satisfy the Nigerian mobile user population, who, mostly, use two lines as an alternative to network failure from any provider.

While some of my less knowledgeable peers applauded the move as timely, I shook my head in disgust because it was not a deterrent penalty that was likely produce a panacea. In a system that continually shows disdain for accountability, discussing the destination of the levy is a moot point.

In a nation where government agencies have been so emboldened that the news media is littered daily with stories of how billions of Naira meant for the public develops legs and grows wings only to nest in the personal accounts of some fat cats, it is obvious that the administration is not in the slightest, ready to tackle the anomalies bedeviling service delivery with this cart-before-the-horse approach. 

I was against the levy from the word go because charity, they say, begins at home. The FG ought to have fined itself first for failing in its duty to ensure that all necessary infrastructure required to ensure effective service delivery were present. In the absence of basic infrastructure, it is tantamount to hypocrisy of the highest proportion to expect excellent service delivery.

The reason I decided to write this is because as I rightly predicted, the fine levied has not achieved any positive aim as telecom services are even worse than ever. In fact, it occurred to me that the levied "fine" is nothing more than a license fee. A license fee for telecom operators to continue to deliver poor services and exploit Nigerians just as the Federal Government has been doing since time immemorial.

Just five days ago, MTN Ghana was banned by Ghana's telecommunications regulator, National Communications Authority (NCA), from selling SIM Cards and/or adding any new SIM cards/subscribers to the MTN network until further notice because of the deteriorating quality of its network.

How is that for a serious regulatory agency under a serious government?

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Engage on twitter @saymalcolm

A RECORD-BREAKING SUNDAY OF FOOTBALL ACTION

Rio picked up an injury when an object was thrown by an irate City fan. Hart and Tevez prevented a scene with another.

It was indeed a Super Sunday yesterday in the world of football. A day of fantastic football results and record-breaking achievements. In the English Premier League, the most anticipated derby between the Blue and Red sides of Manchester proved, as always, most thrilling and entertaining.



English champions, Manchester City welcomed their visiting neighbours and fiercest rivals in the league campaign with utmost confidence after not having lost a match at the Etihad Stadium in 37 home league games which started on 20th December, 2010 after a 2-1 defeat to Everton.  

Goal scorers, Rooney and van Persie with Young

Wayne Rooney was the star of the match as he put the visitors in front with two clinical finishes, leaving the home side stupefied. His brace yesterday was his 150th League goal as well as a record breaker for the most goals ever scored in a Manchester derby. He broke Sir Bobby Charlton's previous record of 9 goals by scoring the 9th and 10th goals respectively.

City rallied in the second half and brought themselves back in the game courtesy goals by Yaya Toure and Pablo Zabaleta but it was Robin Van Persie once again, who won the day for the visitors. His superb injury-time free kick ensured that Manchester United went home with three points, truncating City's 37 unbeaten home run. The 29 year old forward has been in superb form since moving to Manchester United in August this year, scoring an impressive 16 goals in 23 appearances so far.

In Spain, it was once again, all about Lionel Messi as the Argentine forward bounced back from a minor to injury to catch up with and surpass Gerd Muller's goal scoring record in a calender year when he scored two fantastic goals in La Liga fixture when Real Betis hosted Barcelona.

Lionel Messi: The 25 year old Argentine/Barcelona forward is now officially the greatest goal scorer in the game of football

Muller found the net 85 times for Bayern Munich and West Germany in just 60 matches in 1972, while the Brazilian icon, Pele, had previously sat in second place for most goals in a single year with his haul of 75 in 1958, before Messi effortlessly breezed past that figure last month.

Messi's awe-inspiring haul of 86 goals in 2012 now officially makes him the greatest goal scorer of all time in the game of football. What a legend! 


Joke of the day: Messi has scored 23 goals in La Liga this season while Real Betis as a team has scored just 24. #Amazing!


Malcolm O. Ifi.

Follow on twitter @saymalcolm 

Photo Credits: The Internet

MICKEY JAY: MEMOIRS OF A LAGOS PLAYBOY (III)

July 7th, 2012.
05: 32pm.

What does is take to get an uptight woman to loosen up? It is attention and of course, good loving. That was the problem Nike had. A beautiful woman she was but her temper was legendary. Office gossip had speculated that she had been nearly married twice over the last three years but something always went wrong at the last moment, probably as a result of this super temper of hers. 

She was such a beautiful woman in her mid or late thirties and successful by all means; something that tends to intimidate most guys my age. She was smart and sexy and sophisticated. She had worked in my company for close to six years and in that short while, she had risen to the highly coveted post of supply manager in charge of West Africa. However, a new project brought our departments together and since she was very senior to me, she became my supervisor for the duration of the project.

I experienced first hand this legendary temper of hers at our first inter-departmental meeting. We’d had different ideas on how to proceed on the project at hand and she was probably used to every one deferring to her opinion. Well, definitely not this dude! The more she insisted, expecting me to give in, the more I insisted. Even when she pulled rank on me, I still refused to back down. Despicable words flew freely out of her mouth and I nearly lost my cool. One thing known about me despite my peccadilloes is that I’m good at what I do and it took my boss to make me quit my insistence. 

After that incident, we made sure we kept our distance. She had told me she didn’t like me and I simply said “likewise”. This attracted snickers from other colleagues who were still amazed at my boldness. I got not a few pats on the back for confronting her. That, however wasn’t the only victory I had earned. During our heated exchange, I noticed a lot of things about her. She actually enjoyed the fact that I’d stood up to her. Her no-nonsense facade gave way and exposed a kind of vulnerability that in a way, made me feel sorry for her. Also, I noticed that after that fateful day, she’d been secretly checking me out ever since. She’d been making clandestine investigations from colleagues about my personal life and of course, I would get feedback. Something was bound to happen soon enough.

However, “soon enough” came quicker than I expected. It was about a week after our ‘incident’. We had a presentation to make to one of our multi-million dollar client the next day which was a saturday by 10am and we’d worked late into the night. It was a few minutes after ten thirty pm. We’d gone over strategies and plans countless times and I was beginning to get quite frustrated. Our team gradually got smaller till it was just the two of us. I seized the moment and was about to bid her farewell when she mysteriously produced a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“You are not going to let a girl drink this all by herself, are you?” She asked rather jovially.

I wasn’t ready to be free with her just yet. We’d kept it strictly professional until now. A bottle of Jack Daniel wasn’t going to break the ice that easy.

“I’m sorry but I really have somewhere I need to be right now.” I replied as politely as I could.

“Come on…” she said, as she brought out two glasses and an ice pack out of the fridge. “Just have a drink with me. Let’s say its my way of apologizing for my outburst last week. You’re not still mad at me, are you?”

“Of course not.” I said

“Then please have a drink with me.”

She had filled both glasses. “Do you care for ice?”

“No, thanks. I prefer it straight.” 

I sat back on the chair in the large conference room on 16th floor of Randall Towers. She came towards me with both glasses; hers and mine. She handed me mine and sat on the table next to me and crossed her legs. She had on an above-the-knee-length skirt and her crossed legs exposed an even more generous view of her thighs. After a long, hard look at those fresh thighs of hers, I looked up at her. She was watching me with a coy smile on her lips. I took a large gulp from the glass in my hand. It burnt my throat a bit and made me wince but it felt good. My body was flooded with warmth. She sipped hers and asked,
“So where were you rushing to? The girl friend?”

“Home.”

“The girl friend?” She asked again, smiling.

“Haven’t got one.” I replied innocently.

“Really? Rumor has it that you’re quite popular with the female folk around here.”

"Like you said, 'rumour has it'." I said quietly and took a sip from my glass. She smiled and conceded.
 
“I’m glad we worked together on this project. If I had any doubts about your ability, you’ve dispelled them.” Shesaid, changing the subject.

“You certainly did have doubts but I’m glad they’ve been dispelled all the same.” I said smiling.

She laughed. She picked the bottle of Jack and asked to refill my glass. I nodded.

“So what are you plans after the project. Are you really going back to Kenya?” I asked, after she refilled her glass and mine.

“Yes. I may actually like the place.” She said.

“I’m sure you will.”

“You’ll come in early tomorrow?” She asked after some time. I nodded. 

“I’ll be so happy after the presentation tomorrow. I’ll have time to actually rest. Haven’t rested since we started this project.” She said rubbing her neck.

“And neither have I.” I added. I continued after a short while. “I told you though, everything is perfect. The numbers all add up, our stats and projections are up to date. We should give one hell of a show tomorrow. You worry too much.”

“I know.” She said. “I have nothing else to worry about so I worry about my work.” She forced a weak but empty smile. In that moment, she’d said it all about her life.
She turned her attention to this picture behind me on the wall of the room with this far away look in her eyes. I imagined the great debate going on inside her head. All those rhetorical questions women ask themselves when caught up in a delicate situation. I felt really sorry for her now. The rumors were indeed true. She was a walking time-bomb of sexual frustration and tension. She needed an outlet. We were both stressed, tense and horny and alone but she more than I. We needed to let off steam. What better place than at the office? The janitor would probably make rounds soon and I didn’t want to pass up this opportunity.

I stood up and she focused again on me, glass in hand. Her eyes were a mixture of trepidation and excitement. I moved closer to her. I took her near empty glass from her beautifully manicured hands and emptied the contents down my throat. There was this look that crept into her eyes. I couldn’t fathom it but at this stage, I was past caring. I held her slim waist and looked intensely into her eyes. My face moved closer to hers and stopped. She met me half way without hesitation, her hands going around my neck. Our lips joined in so passionate a kiss, slowly and gently at first and as emotions flared, more probing and violent. I was out of breath in a few minutes as it felt like her lips were draining out my very essence. From then on, it was a blur of lightening speed movements. Her jacket and blouse was off; my belt flew out of its belt holes; her bra unstrapped at my expert right hand while the left lifted her skirt; my trousers fell loosely to the floor as her hands probed the contents of my underwears. Her glass which I’d dropped on the table dropped with a soft thud on thick rug as we settled more comfortably on the mahogany table. My lips went for her beautiful and soft breasts which seemed to relish the attainment of freedom from the stifling bra. Her nipples were hard and swollen. She moaned with delight pulling my head closer to her chest as I worked both breasts with my lips and fingers with skill and equal attention. Through all this, she fondled my rock-hard equipment as my fingers slid from her breasts to her wet triangular pleasure place, tingling and roaming till she could take it no more. With expert skill and gentility, she guided me in and we rocked rhythmically, gently at first till we worked ourselves to a frenzy. The only sounds in the room was the quiet hum of the split unit and the creaking of the table. Suddenly, the table felt uncomfortable so I lifted her powerfully while she clung to me, struggling to rip away the buttons of my shirt. When we hit the soft rug, my shirt was off and my singlet was in all states of tears as she violently took it off me. On the rug, the rhythmic movement continued and gathered momentum once again till we peaked, making all sorts of noises that brought us to our true nature and lay beside each other exhausted and out of breath.

“Wow!” She said, after a few minutes of hard breathing and panting.

“Couldn’t have said it any better.” I said, my eyes glazed and feeling spent. There was a long and uncomfortable silence. There was no need to say anything so I just lay back and counted the rows of designs on the ceiling. Just when I imagined some form of resentment and guilt trip would creep in as is often the case in these situations, she reached out for me again. I thought I would die for I was spent but as she touched me, energy surged into my blood from nowhere and as she mounted me, I sighed in relief. The motions began again and reached a crescendo when we heard the “cling” of the elevator. Damn! It was the janitor and we’d forgotten to secure the door to the conference room. I tried to get her off me to lock the door but she wouldn’t have it.

“The janitor is here.” I whispered as she continued to ride. Her face was a mixture of bliss and satisfaction. She didn’t respond and as I made to get her attention, she covered my mouth with her right palm and continued to ride without a care in the world.
Oh well, I thought. Papa Grand was going to nab me again. Wouldn’t be the first time though. The jovial seventy year old who had been the janitor for our floor in the building was much loved by everyone for his witty story telling and he loved me much and had told me on many occasions about how I reminded him of his younger self. He was going to have a new story to tell on monday starring me…again! *sigh* 

Nike continued to ride with eyes closed, her beautiful breasts hopping as she did while I kept my eyes to the door which was open a crack. Papa Grand cautiously peeped in. I waved and he nodded and smiled knowingly and stepped out shutting the door with a silent click. Nike came long and hard and I didn’t (thanks to Papa Grand) and collapsed on me, whimpering and sucking furiously on her thumb. I held her close and we remained like that for a while before she said, “Michael, can you please take me home. I don’t think I can drive tonight.” The first time she’d ever spoken my first name.

“Of course.” I said. Without another word, she got off me and we dressed up hurriedly. It was a couple of minutes to twelve am. We passed Papa Grand on our way to the elevator who was vacuuming the corridor and I squeezed a thousand naira note into his hand. He nodded without even looking up.

On the long and silent drive back to her place, she said again, “Will you stay the night? I could fix you a nice snack.”

“I don’t know. I’d rather not push it.” I said, rather uncertainly.

She kept silent. Hmmm…I thought to myself, grinning. So I’ve tamed the iron lady that now she wants to cook for me? Ok…

What a day…what a motherfucking day!

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Follow on twitter @saymalcolm

AN IGNOBLE OUTING FOR THE ENGLISH AND EUROPEAN "CHAMPIONS"

The final phase of the UEFA champions league knock-out stage which was concluded last night proved to be a night of shameful records set for the champion English teams run by money bags. Manchester City under the helms of Roberto Mancini earned a shameful record of being the first and only English team and the only English league champions to have played six Champions League games without winning a single one. Chelsea on the other hand, broke barriers for being the first defending champion to exit the UEFA champions league at the group stage and head to the Europa league.

It would appear that a lot of pundits and passionate fans who believed that Manchester City's win in the Premier League and Chelsea's win in the Champions League last season was a flash in the pan have been vindicated. Manchester City won the English Premier League above Manchester United by mere superior goal difference while Chelsea, by virtue of being UEFA champions, denied Tottenham Hotspurs a place in this season's competition after a shabby league performance last year. It was a flurry of hilarious comments last night capturing the turn of events. Tottenham fans would be thrilled by last night's results.

Manchester City was worst hit after having ended their Champions League campaign at

Roberto Mancini

the bottom of Group D with a miserly 3 points out of a possible 18 points by drawing three games and losing three. Its safe to say their campaign was over before it started having being drawn in the group of death and with the club having virtually no European football experience. This abysmal performance however leaves Roberto Mancini's job on the balance except he can convince the club's Abu Dhabi owners by delivering the Premier League title again.

Fernando Torres and Rafa Benitez

Chelsea however, seemed to finally have bounced back confidently after walloping FC Nordsjaelland six goals to one with Torres finally registering not one but two goals on the score sheet. However, it proved to be an exercise in futility as a win by Juventus put them at the third rung in the group ladder effectively banishing them to the Europa League. Rafa Benitez would be pleased with this result as he had stated a few days ago that Torres was doing very well in training and it reflected in last night's game. He would be relieved and just may have postponed the evil day especially with word on the grapevine that the ever impatient owner, Roman Abramovich is already plotting to bring in ex-Chelsea coach Avram Grant as a consultant after Benitez failed to transform the club's fortunes in his first three league games.

One thing can be said for Chelsea though: despite the ignoble exit as defending champions, they left with their heads held high. Who knows, they may yet break the record of winning the UCL and Europa League back to back. But as the saying goes, we shall see.

As an aside, with 84 goals to his name this year, Lionel Messi was touted make history by catching up with and surpassing Gerd Muller's impressive haul of 85 goals in a calendar year last night when

Messi being stretchered off last night

Barcelona faced Benfica. However, it was not to be after the super star was stretchered off at the 85th minute after coming on as a sub in the second half. 85thgoal - 85th minute...coincidence? You be the judge. I certainly hope the injury isn't serious. I would love to see him break the record because we all know he can.

When he saw Messi being stretchered off the pitch.

Joke Of The Day: I stumbled across this picture with this really cruel caption.












Malcolm O. Ifi.

Photo Credits: The Internet

WHAT WAS THAT NEVER WAS

An escape to the morning sun
From the bitter harshness
Of a frosty night
A welcome respite for sight
Clear and sharp features
Trademark perfection
The handiwork of the gods
We conversed in a strange tongue
The language of silence
Understood by just us two
The mystery of the universe
Unfolding like the morning blossom
Of the wild red rose
Lost in heavenly trance
As time mounted wheels
Faster than the speed of light
That seemed to dance us dizzy
But then came the clouds
Stealth, by all means inevitable
Followed by the thunderous bark
And the tears of farewell
That washed off all disguises
The temporary illusion of perfection
An opium for time travel
To what was that never was

03:12:12






Malcolm O. Ifi.

Follow on twitter @saymalcolm

AN ODE TO OUR MOTHER

Oh mother!
How have we used you!
You gave us an abode
You gave us nature
You gave us beauty
But we wanted more
We used our brains and our hands
And we discovered
We created and we created
We were exceeding glad
Because we were bold
So we took as we discovered use

You gave to your detriment
Your generosity, your undoing
You held nothing back
We are your children
What you have is ours to use
And so freely, you gave all
Our unquenchable thirst for knowledge
Our insatiable hunger for novelty
Our unnecessary love for domination
And we bruised you
Oh, we bruised you sore!
Your once unblemished beauty
Is now a distant memory
The ever-doting mother
Who lacked vocal prowess
For her self-defense
Her love was all about giving
Giving to her plundering offspring
Now  she lays in her death bed
Having met her elastic limit
Her substance drained for energy
Her umbrella in tatters
Barely keeping out the harsh sun
Her tears come in floods
She wheezes and sneezes
The magnitude of her shivers
Brings to the ground
Our skyward monuments
Her lands have become barren
As she grows bald
In the epiphany that followed
We see how we neglected you
Our hope, our sustenance
Our promise for generations unborn

Hang on mother
With many tears we plead
Not all our brothers understand
The gravity of your illness
We will spread your selfless gospel
That gives all till there is no more
We love you but you loved us more
Your over-indulgence left us pampered
That we failed to see the signs
Have mercy mother
And do not die

3:12: 2012.

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Follow on twitter @saymalcolm

WORLD AIDS DAY: A GRIM PICTURE OF SELF DECEPTION

Today is World AIDS Day and I came across this short but grim picture that accurately documents how by incorrect rationalization, we aid the spread of the Human Immuno-deficiency Virus (HIV) and I thought it would be nice to share it.

A lot of people are guilty of this so if you are one of them, take heed. The threat of this disease is real. There's no generally acceptable cure as at now, so the best form of defense still remains abstinence.
However, for those who cannot abstain, it is prudent to "stay strapped" at all times, no matter who you're with. Your life depends on it.

EKI has a man, EFFIONG and she's having unprotected sex because that's her man. He has an outside woman, NKECHI and he is having unprotected sex with her because that's the only person other than EKI he is having sex with, so he tells himself he is safe because its only two women.

NKECHI has her own man, SEGUN and she is having unprotected sex with him because that's her man. She tells herself she is safe because she only has two men, EFFIONG and SEGUN.

SEGUN has an outside woman named AMINA, and is having unprotected sex with her because to him AMINA is faithful so he tells himself its only two women he is having sex with so it cant hurt him.

BUT AMINA has no personal man; just friends who when she wants to have sex she places a booty call to.

Do you see where this is going???

Everyone thinks that they are safe when in fact they are so unsafe. Its the truth!!!!!!!

Today is marked as World AIDS Day. Don't be fooled. AIDS is real! Take time to remember the people who have lost their lives to this virus and if you can, please wear the red ribbon.

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Follow on twitter @saymalcolm

Photo Credit: The Internet

MICKEY JAY: MEMOIRS OF A LAGOS PLAYBOY (II)

June 9th, 2012.
04. 43am.

The promise of a brand new challenge is what makes me go on. I often wonder how people are content to live life without a challenge. My theory about life is you never really know who you are or what you are capable of till you push yourself; regardless of the endeavor, I might add. I love women. They are the rainbow in my black and white world. As long as I have lots of them in my life, my world is colorful.

Its been almost five days since I met Christy in that eatery establishment and since that moment, she’s formed an “occupy movement” in my head. I returned the favor and have bombarded her mobile with calls since tuesday. At first, she hadn’t been so free and nice to me but I wouldn’t stop. I called her shortly after I left the eatery; we talked briefly for ten minutes. I called her after the close of business for that day; we talked for nearly three hours. Between tuesday and today which is saturday, I’d sent her over thirty romantic text messages and about seven lengthy and romantic poems. During this period too, the calls increased exponentially. By thursday, she’d started calling me. We exchanged information about ourselves. She told me about her work, where she worked (I’d promptly sent a box of chocolates the moment I got that detail), her family, her life in most personal terms. I traded a couple of stories too; some truths, half-truths and some lies here and there (Don’t look at me like that). She loved to laugh and jokes came easy to me so she had her fill. We agreed to hang out friday night and she said she couldn’t wait.

Now, the trick is to fill her head with thoughts of me. Most guys don’t believe in it but it sure works. Women dream of and crave for attention. Most dudes don’t have that time, understandably so. But physical presence is not everything. Those little things: like that frequent one minute call to ask her opinion on something; that sweet two-worded text message which is the first thing she sees when she wakes up; that lengthy email you send in the thick of work to distract her temporarily; that joke; that unexpected gift…etc, those are the things that matter. Women have an over-active imagination and the fact that we’d just met once and I’d chased her with so much vigor made me a mystery, a sort of demi-god, a standard, a symbol of perfection before her eyes. But we all know that such perfection does not exist. We would rather be in love with the utopian illusion, no matter how temporal it is. Its the reason we adjust quickly because deep down, we know its all a lie.

Just when she was getting so used to me, so used to those calls, those poems, those text message; like a drought affected fountain, they ceased. Yesterday, I took the day off from work and her as well. I had planned to take the day off from work on friday and I did citing health concerns. I ignored her calls, text messages and emails all day long. By evening, she was frantic. Seventy two missed calls, eight text messages and five emails! Not bad, huh?

After a time, the calls, texts and emails stopped coming. It was time to seek her out. I left my house around six thirty pm and drove straight to her office hoping she hadn’t left yet. She hadn’t. The traffic was crazy and she usually loved to wait till it simmered down. I parked and waited looking rather dandy in my brown suede jacket, blue shirt, blue jeans and brown shoes. I caught not a few stares from many ladies but I’m sexy and I know it.(LMFAO!)

I had to wait for about forty minutes before she came out of the big revolving doors of the bank. It was nearly eight o’clock and apart from the from the fact that the weather had changed again, it was getting darker. However, the mental photo of the beautiful princess I met a few days ago slowly began to recede. She looked wired. Probably the stress of the day… and hopefully, me. She held her jacket in her hands, her shirt was terribly rumpled and her hair was a mess. However, there was something I’d missed out on that first day: she hadn’t stood up so there was no way I could have known about that coke bottle shape. Damn!

She got to her car, a blue Toyota RAV4 opened it and kept her bag in the passenger seat. I had my phone out and I dialed her number. She answered immediately.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now!” She vibrated. “You’ve ruined my day. I’ve been calling all morning, all afternoon! I sent you sms’s, I sent you mails yet you wouldn’t reply none of them…!”

I tried to cut in but she cut me off and continued with her rants. I really didn’t have anything to say anyway so I kept silent till she finished.
“Where are you?!”

“Right behind you…”

“What are you…” She turned and there I was with my best and most charming smile. 

“I hate you so much right now! Urggghh!” There was shock, a sigh of relief and a smile; all in a split second. 

“Am sorry love. I wanted to surprise you.” I said humbly. She gave me a look like “you got me but I still wish I could strangle you”. I laughed.

“You gotta admit, I got you cold!”

“I’m still mad at you. Don’t try to make it look like a joke. It isn’t funny.” She said earnestly but I knew she loved it. I extended my arms, my eyes inviting her and she came into them gratefully. We stood together in the car park, locked in each others arms for what seemed like eternity. I could perceive faint wafts of her perfume. My hand caressed her hair gently and she snuggled deeper into my chest till she became conscious of what seemed like a boner and she looked up at me, inquiring and a sheepish grin was my reply. She pushed me away gently.

“I missed you honey. I just realized that hope is such a beautiful thing. I couldn’t have survived this long without you were it not for hope.” I said. I moved closer and held her waist and looked into her beautiful eyes. She had this adorable look in her eyes like I’d just said what she needed to hear. The smile her beautiful lips created weakened me totally.

“I missed you too…” She said shyly and quietly.

“Christy…?” Another voice jolted us back to earth. I turned to see who the intruder was. Whoa! Another hottie!!

“Finally, I get to meet your mystery lover…” 

The intruder assessed me with her eyes and my eyes returned the favor. A little heavy but with that kind of voluptuousness that appeals to us guys. She had on a buttoned grey suit and a blue blouse inside it that made it look like her great breasts were struggling to jump out. Her skirt was very, very …mini. She was pretty with rosy cheeks. Her face was a bit heavily made up but it didn’t hide the fact that she was pretty and very sexy. The kind that could make a guy’s blood rush instantly on short notice. 

Her sudden appearance didn’t seem to please Christy one bit who put her arms around my neck as if to say “Back off!”. Yeah, women can be very territorial but there’s plenty of me and I can never be labeled stingy.

“Err…Mickey, this is a colleague. Her name’s Kemi.” Christy did the introduction and was quite stiff about it.

“Its a pleasure to meet you Kemi.” I said, flashing once again my winner smile. I extended my hand and Kemi took it, still appraising me.

“Same here, Mickey.” She held on to my hand a little longer than usual as she looked me in the eye. Christy had to break us up before a subtle message or two could be passed.

“Now I know why she’s been hiding you all this time. She’s got a live mouse this time.” She winked at me and I laughed heartily at the analogy. No smiles from Christy.

“Ok o. Let me not interrupt you guys. Nice to have met you dear.” She said to me. She leaned to Christy and whispered something to her, laughed, gave me a wink and she was gone.

Christy didn’t look too happy with the interruption. The mood sort of changed so I asked innocently, “You don’t seem to like her much.”

“Don’t think I didn’t see your eyes roving all over her body.” She replied, feigning anger.
Oh dear, I thought. She’d caught me but I responded in time. “Oh come on love. I was about to tell you something about something…” I said nodding mischievously at the lessened bulge in my pants. She smiled. I leaned closer without warning and kissed her softly on her lips. When I drew back, she looked perplexed.

“Why did you…” She never finished the sentence as my mouth found hers again and this time, she responded drawing me close. 

After what a while, she withdrew remembering we were still at her office premises, though it was all dark now.

“Where are you taking me tonight?” She asked, blushing and fumbling for her car keys.

“I had a great dinner planned at the Oriental but I’d honestly love to skip all that and take you home right away.” I said earnestly.

She laughed hard. “Are you always this direct?”

“I am direct but not always.” I replied smiling.

“I don’t imagine you have any food at your place. I’m feeling rather peckish and my back aches.” She rubbed her neck.

“My love,” I declared with a British accent, “it would be my pleasure to feed you and give you a massage. My hands have the magical quality of a masseur to them. Feel them…” I stretched them to her.

She laughed and pushed me away again. I leaned closer, caressing her hair. “So what’s it gonna be love? I’d really love to have a quiet night with you… alone. Haven’t we waited long enough?”

She looked at me, blushed and looked away.

“I promise we’ll only do what you want us to do…” I smiled.

“You’ll give me a massage?”

“You don’t have to ask love.” I smiled.

“Where did you park your car?” She asked. I pointed to the black Infinity FX 45 across the road.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be moving against the traffic and I’ve got some t-shirts that would fit you perfectly.” I gave my mischievous grin again. 

“You read my mind! You’re so naughty!” She hit me on my chest again, laughing. “So, lead the way. I’ll follow from behind.”

And the rest, as they say is history.

Watching her sleep like an angel on my bed with my t-shirt on while I write my memoirs with memories of last night fresh in my head, I can’t help but think that there just may be some unfinished business between me and what was her name again…? Ah yes, Kemi. The voluptuous one…

Its way too soon to think of that. I may just fall in love with Christy given time. She is a dreamer and a hopeless romantic. Pretty much like me. Perhaps, that’s what drew me to her. I may seem all hard and tough on the outside but I’m actually all soft and gooey on the inside. The hope of true love is what drives me, keeps me…but so does the promise of a new challenge. 

She stirs. I’d better head to the kitchen. Breakfast in bed coming up.

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Follow Malcolm on twitter @saymalcolm 

Copyright © 2012 Malcolm O. Ifi. 

LET'S JUST BLAME IT ON EVIL SPIRITS

Why people just hate to take responsibility for their misdeeds, gross ineptitude or the bad choices they make is beyond me. Perhaps, its a lot easier to play the blame-game; place the blame on someone or something. Doing this is basically the same thing as living in denial; to prevaricate and avoid getting to the point. The essence of any serious attempt at change is to accept responsibility. Once you identify you are the problem, the problem is half-solved. The second half is amending that characteristic flaw that negates positive movement.

Hajiya Zainab Kuchi, Minister of State for Power

 When I see people do this, I just laugh and tell them they are not ready to move forward. So you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled on a news report yesterday where the Minister of State for Power, Hajiya Zainab Kuchi said an evil spirit is behind Nigeria’s darkness preventing the country from taking her place of pride in the comity of Nations. She was reported to have said this when members of the African National Congress (ANC) (South Africa's ruling political party) led a team of investors to her office in Abuja. 

Her words, “We must resolve to jointly exorcise the evil spirit behind this darkness and allow this nation take its place of pride in the comity of Nations.”

Evil spirits...yeah, right! This is without doubt, the lowest form of excuse you will ever hear! It is only in Nigeria that a minister who was supposedly appointed based on her knowledge and expertise in the power sector will say this about the ineptitude of her office to tackle the challenge of inadequate power supply that has crippled the development of this nation since its birth. I won't even talk about the billions of dollars doled out year in, year out to fix this seemingly unsolvable aspect of our basic infrastructure. Were contracts awarded to evil spirits? If not, how are evil spirits to blame? Perhaps, its time we had a ministry for the exorcism of evil spirits. Those "men of God" that throng the halls of power and get paid for prayers obviously have not been effective enough.

Another statement credited to her ministry is, “Nigeria needs help, any nation that loves Nigeria must collaborate with it now to resolve her energy crisis…We are getting irritatingly slow.”

This appeal for help is embarrassing and shameless to say the least! Nigeria does not need outside help to solve her problems. No! She needs to realize that she is her own problem; that she is the solution to her own problems. For as long as she keeps having mentally challenged people in sensitive positions who are overwhelmed by the demands of service, she will keep begging for help from the outside world because she is either too lazy, or unwilling to do what needs to be done.

Seriously though, where do we find these people?! Just when you think the bar for stupidity can't be raised higher any further...

Malcolm O. Ifi.

Photo Credits: The Internet

USE YOUR GENERATOR NEXT TIME

After a long hard day yesterday, nothing could have prepared me for the drama of last night. It wasn't something so terrible as you might fear. It was actually amusing.

Picture this: You are at home on one of those rare evenings when power is on so there is a total absence of the racket that comes with the sound of generators; especially when you live in a large compound of about four flats of which you are one of the occupants and believe me, every occupant owns one of those big noisy generators. Just imagine the ruckus when they are all in use.

Let me deviate a little; I grew up in a university campus when things were a lot better than it is now. From the early 90's when I moved there up to the early 2000's, the campus was so well run. We had constant power supply, security, water and other trappings that come with what is expected of an academic environment. It was quiet and sane because we could count the number of people who had power generating sets. At a time, the school purchased a power plant that could power the whole school so no one really needed a personal generator.

However, as things deteriorated as they are often want to do since we lack a culture of maintenance, there was an overnight change. We could suddenly count those who did NOT own a generating set. The bottom line is, I was so used to that peace and quiet, that tranquility that comes with an academic environment so adjusting to the "outside world" was a bit problematic but I did it.

Where was I...? Oh yes! So I was having a rare moment of tranquil last night and was doing my night reading before sleep comes when power went off. The silence that accompanied was deafening. This was at about a few minutes past eleven pm. I decided that my neighbours had all gone to sleep because after about five minutes, I didn't hear the rumble of a generator in the compound. The weather was cool so I sighed in contentment. It was going to be a silent night. How wrong I was.

See Matter O!

I first heard sounds...funny sounds. I jumped up and checked around my house. Not here, I thought relieved. I settled down to attempt to sleep and this time, there was no mistaking it. Sounds of love making...at first, then sounds of rough, hard core sex! It was like listening to just the audio of an adult movie. The violent bed rocking against the wall, the rhythmic clap of body against body, the unhinged howl of pleasure and pain, the sexually explicit encouragement from the girl's lips...It was loud...too loud for the silent night!

One of my neighbours pinged me on my blackberry.

Neighbour: "U dey sleep?!"

Me: "How I wan take sleep with this kain noise?! I'm not sure they know how quiet it is outside."

Neighbour: "They know. They just don't care! See my kid is awake now."

I decided to go outside and as I stepped out, the volume of sex amplified. Choi! See audio mojo!! My neighbour was so angry because his four year old daughter was awake and you know kids of nowadays, very impressionable. He wanted to bang on Sex Lord's door but I stopped him. What is the use? Na you dey pay him rent? Put earphones over your daughter's ears. It will be over soon. Soon was about forty five minutes later when they both screamed like banshees, piercing further the silent night!

In civilized climes, my neighbour with the four year old daughter would have called the cops and they would have intervened in this...domestic nuisance by probably issuing out a warning of some sort or something. But in my country Nigeria, don't even think about calling the cops. The matter fit just get "K" leg from there.

Anyway, one thing is certain. The girl is going to be a regular visitor because my other "good ol' neighbour" put up a good show! I'll just have to advise him to at least, use that monster generator of his whenever she's around. It will help everybody.

Malcolm O. Ifi.  

Photo Credit: The Internet