DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, I TOO AM A MILITANT/TERRORIST

To His Excellency,
The President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Dear Mr. President,

I have been following the events of your administration so closely and I have come to the realisation that no other president in the world can top the magnanimity of your benevolence. You indeed do care. It is a pity that Nigeria is the mess she is today but its not your fault; you met her like that. Though you have tried your best to provide us with the "breath of fresh air" you promised, it is such a tragedy that some disgruntled elements have taken it upon themselves to ensure that we all die of asphyxia.

Even though it has been argued that your administration is probably the most corrupt that we have ever seen, it is not your fault; you are a good man. You are not responsible for the actions of those greedy public servants or that cabal that seems to have more power than your legitimate government, and have carted away our billions of naira. Those men are greedy and wicked, not you. You are an epitome of humility, loyalty and benevolence.

I appreciate the difficult position you are in. Many things can be said about you but your loyalty to those who played pivotal roles to your ascension is unquestionable. You have become a beacon of loyalty worthy of emulation as you have single-handedly championed the saying that one should never bite the finger that fed him. You have taken it up a notch by elevating the standard of he who once fed you. I applaud the pardon of your good old friend who thrust you into the political lime light. You have fared better than he has by all standards as you are now the president of the most populous black nation on earth. The true measure of a man is in how he treats his less fortunate friends when fortune smiles upon him. You have showed the world by this that you indeed have a large heart.

I appreciate your most sincere efforts at revamping the power industry. I was deeply saddened by that embarrassing episode on CNN where Christiane Amanpour tried to belittle your efforts at combating terrorism and improving power supply. Don't mind her, kind sir. We who live in Nigeria know better. Even though we know that billions have been sunk into this power project with little improvement, it is not your fault. Governments before you did the same without results. Why must yours be any different? As you said, the improvement cannot come overnight. It must be those greedy people in charge of dishing out contracts. They are greedy and wicked people.

I am particularly moved by the way your administration has handled militancy in the Niger Delta region. Only fools cannot see the ingenuity of your blueprint that has been so effective thus far. You have loaded those ex-militant warlords with the most sumptuous and lucrative contracts that they have gradually fizzled out into oblivion. A man with a full stomach has no will to fight, not to talk of going to the creeks when he can live in a mansion inside the serene atmosphere that our capital city provides. Whoever nicknamed you "clueless" has to think again because this move of yours is nothing short of brilliant.

There has been so much ruckus about your ambitions for 2015. I admire the way you have handled the furor with such dexterity. You have maintained a golden silence while others have been jumping up and down like monkeys over-heating the polity. Why does everyone keep insisting that you must not run for president in 2015? It is your constitutional right to do so. Even if there was a gentleman's agreement to that effect, does it hold more water than your constitutionally guaranteed right? Thank God the judiciary has put the matter to rest.

I am greatly saddened by the carnage and orgy of violence caused in the north by "your brothers". Too much blood has been spilled in the last four years and I am happy that you swung into action by deploying the JTF. You were very optimistic that they would yield results; so positive that you catergorically said the insurgency would end in June last year. Unfortunately, the JTF bunch are nothing but fools and idiots. They lack your uncommon finesse. All they know is fire-for-fire and this mentality has made things escalate from bad to worse. Innocents citizens resident in the North are crying out from the oppression meted out to them by these people. Nowadays, I wonder who the real terrorists are. Not to worry; a pardon may be in order in the near future.

If there is anyone capable of resolving this issue, it is you, kind sir. After all, they are your brothers and they are ubiquitous in your cabinet. I received the news with glee that you have decided to extend your magnanimity to these terrorists. All they have to do is show their faces for the amnesty to be theirs with a generous flow of lucrative contracts to get them fat so that they forget how to make IEDs. Let's forget about that disgruntled general who has been attacking you for the manner in which you have handled the insurgency because he lost several elections. In fact, be proactive and arrest him! I'm sure Uncle Doyin can produce sufficient evidence that can be used to charge him to court.

Mr President, the main issue in my letter is a confession that I have been holding back for too long. I am choking from all the smoke that has been rising from the fumes of exploded bombs. My wallet is depleted from the fact that I spend too much money everyday to fuel my generator in this unbearable heat. My head is exploding from all the money I hear people carting away from our national treasury. I need that fresh air so I must cry out.

Mr President, my name is Malcolm O. Ifi and I am a militant and a terrorist! Unlike your brothers, I have never hid my face. My rough face has been there for anyone who have ever cared to see. My stash of weapons are words and I shall lay them down in exchange for your brand of amnesty.

Yours sincerely.

A choked citizen.

I am on twitter @saymalcolm